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Drop It Like Peron

November 4, 2010

Deep in my heart I’m concealing
Things that I’m longing to say
Scared to confess what I’m feeling
Frightened you’ll slip away

You must love me…

True to gay form, only moments ago was I crying watching the Evita movie with Madonna on Youtube. This stuff really gets to me, guys.

Let’s rewind: Last night I went out with some friends and had a great time. But certain events happened that left me both insecure and hurt this morning. I would delve if I could, but seeing as the situation is not yet resolved, this would only make matters worse. So this morning I went to class still feeling a little sick when these events were again brought up. By the time lunch came around, I had decided that I was just going to drop it. But the thing about matters of the heart, at least in my experience, is that you can never really let anything go.

I tried to tell my friend (we’ll call this friend friend B) about how I felt slightly upset by my other friend’s (friend A) behavior, and friend B acted as if I had complained about the weather getting colder. So again, I told myself that I needed to drop it. Later on, we all were in friend B’s room discussing B’s academic plans. It was a touchy subject, so tension was in the room, but only because we all wanted the best for B. However, at least how it seemed to me, every time I put forward my opinions, A would shoot it down and the rest followed suit. So I left very peaceably and B slammed the door behind.

A and I have a history with conflict. Each time we just drop it like it’s dumb and go on. But each time I feel like this. What am I going to do when my orange with funky monsters box of Kleenex runs out?!

Deep in my heart, I’m concealing things that I’m longing to say.

In all seriousness, I don’t know what to do but I know I don’t want to continue. Let me add, though, that I love A to pieces. A is funny, social, friendly. A is loyal and kind. But there are things about A that at this point really bother me, not because A does really obnoxious things, but more that I feel A to sometimes be selfish and controlling. A also makes me more insecure. A is loved by everyone, A has everything together, A gets what A wants. I am jealous of A. Scared to confess what I’m feeling. It is something that I am going to have to deal with because I want our friendship to continue. It is hard for me to just up and drop my opinions though in favor of A’s every time. Or at least I’d like to be listened to, because why should I have to concede to A’s beliefs? Frightened you’ll slip away. O that’s right. A is the one in control of everything. I just wish none of this was an issue for me and the rest of us. I want everything to be better.

You must love me…..

Until then, I suppose I’ll just drop it.

~T

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